The sky was grumpy. So was I. And somehow, we were both still trying.
I almost didn’t share this one. The night felt off - everything between us slightly askew, every word hanging in the air. And yet, sometimes the moments we most want to hide are the ones worth naming. This is my consider this life list from last Monday.
A Small Story About Disconnection, the Weather, and How Hard It Is to Find Your Way Back to Yourself.
The sky looks grumpy, I told him. And later: “The sky still looks grumpy.” It’s grey and mottled, just waiting to unleash its displeasure.
And it does — or at least it tries. These sporadic spatters on the roof hardly count as rain. Just enough to cancel our evening walk.
It was supposed to be a glorious reunion, but everything feels wonky, not quite fitting together as it should.
My mind runs a maze, frantically trying to find my way back to the beginning of this day. Where was the misstep that led us here — sitting apart, in silence, in the near dark, while the night closes in? Where did I lose my way?
Maybe the misstep happened yesterday. I said he barely got us back on track.
He rarely voices a need, a want, or a preference. But yesterday, he delighted in my light, flirty banter. But I am not light or flirty. I am dark and mysterious — and frequently pissed off.
In other words, he prefers me to be different than I am. No judgment. I prefer me to be different than I am, too. The difference is that he loves me no matter what, but I don’t love myself no matter what. I am weighed down by the want of another version of myself.
He is trying. Yes. And also — we’ve cycled back to his not knowing how to pull me in when I’ve drifted so far away. From him, from me, from us. Trying doesn’t close the gap. But points for trying, I guess.
How do I bring this act to a close? How do I lower the curtain? Maybe I don’t. Maybe I just sit here in the dim light and let it fade on its own. Maybe that’s all there is to do tonight.
This one feels tender to share, but I know I’m not the only one who’s felt this kind of distance. How do you close the gap when it opens between you and someone you love?
Still here. Still trying. Still loving, even when it’s hard.
"The difference is that he loves me no matter what, but I don’t love myself no matter what. " This really resonates and feels like such an important thing to recognize, maybe one of the hardest things in life to figure out.
I decided that I have great instincts and have learned how to listen to myself even when I'm judging myself. My partner and I have been here, several times. Most recently, five years ago. At some point during our 1.5+ years of counseling together I decided I wouldn't let go while he was still showing up. Even when we were mad, avoiding each other, exhausted of ourselves and each other, and in my case almost feeling like if I left it would be relief, I just knew somehow. A lot of my patience and desire to hang in there didn't come until I knew *in my body* that leaving wouldn't kill me. Emotionally, logistically, FINANCIALLY. One I realized I actually have a choice (an absolute privilege), I kept my eyes on him.
And to your point, he loves me even when we both wish I was different. It's a pleasure to be loved like that, but I didn't trust it for years. Anyway. Thanks for sharing. This is really great writing. 💜